Selfish
by for you to notice
Summary: It's selfish to think that someone would be suffering just because they care about him. Because who would care about a selfish little rich kid?


_None of it belongs to me. Peace and love...._

Everyone is so sure they understand.

You say one goddamn word and they all nod silently and tell you that you're not alone. Someone is there who knows what you're going through.

You have one problem and suddenly you realize you're surrounded by all these fucking Einsteins who know everything.

Only Seth knows that they all really know nothing.

An outsider could consider him a poor little rich boy, and the problem is that Seth knows they wouldn't be that far off. He has a family. He's always been surrounded by love. He's always been able to really have anything he wanted no matter how much his dad insisted that he was not going to raise a spoiled rich kid. In all actuality, his dad spoils him just as much as his mom.

And he soaks it up for all that it's worth.

So while he played the part perfectly, this misunderstood kid who doesn't really know where he belongs; the whole time he knows that he really would always have a place. He could take over his mom's company when she let him and he could do it well, just because he has the luxury of being the descendant of the Caleb and Kirsten Nichol. And then all those goddamn water polo players could be working for him.

He couldn't really live his entire life an outsider.

Then, Ryan comes.

Ryan who doesn't have any certainties and could end up working for the water polo players that work for Mr. Seth Cohen. And he still wants to take care of other people. He could be poor his entire life, but as long as his mom and his brother and any other person he meets along the way is okay, he'll be okay.

Honestly, sometimes it pisses Seth off.

Who is this kid to truly be the outsider and still be happy about it? He doesn't want to play the part, because he's one of those self assured, know-it-alls that nods better than the rest of them.

Because when Ryan nods understanding, you really feel he _does_ understand.

But now Seth beat him.

Ryan might have left to do the honorable thing, but Seth leaves for selfish reasons. He leaves because he realizes he doesn't fit anything anymore. He can't be the outsider, he can't be the popular dork, and he can't _be_ the perfect son. He's...there isn't even a label for something this pathetic. He is second best in everything. One nut short of some nuts, or something like that. But he doesn't think so much anymore. A lot of his time is spent picturing what he would be doing if he was still in Newport. Those goddamn parties in ties that take too long. The beaches that get too hot and too sticky too fast. Except the one difference would be that Summer would be there.

You have me. What the hell is he supposed to do with that? He wants to be selfish and he wants to be misunderstood, but she has to ruin it all with three words. You fucking have me. Bitch.

But he doesn't mean that. He shouldn't. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to hate her and he doesn't want to have his memories of her be slashed by his own stupid words. Because he cares about her. And if he heard anyone else say the things he says about her, he'd do the best he could to make them eat cement.

It's not such an easy thing to do to yourself.

But then he tells himself she deserves it. She doesn't pay attention for the first sixteen years of his life and then expects him to brave the world he hates just because he 'has' her. That's not a lot to base his life around. This is the girl that _broke_ _up_ with him because her father thought he talked too much. She's shallow and she's spoiled to the next degree and she's selfish and she's self absorbed and she's a goddamn ego maniac.

So why does her face haunt his dreams?

Why can't he close his eyes without seeing her hair cascading down her bare back?

Why can't he breathe without inhaling the smell of peach vanilla lilies that lies on her shoulders?

Why does he care at all?

Because he's selfish and spoiled and shallow too.

Seth likes the idea of the 'perfect' girl falling for him and smiling at him and acknowledging his presence. He's selfish. That's the only reason he can think of as to why she does what she does to him.

After all, she is hot as hell.

So all those people back home are lucky he left. He'd infect all of them with an annoying personality and selfish desires. He's a little kid screaming in the middle of a restaurant because the menu doesn't include mac n cheese. He's an asshole and none of them deserve to have an asshole of his caliber around them. He'll just make them cry anyway.

He hopes none of them are crying. Not Summer, not his dad, especially not his mom. He doesn't want her to be sad. She's sad too much because of Ryan. Seth shouldn't cause anything other than an extra guest room. They sure as hell need one.

But the sad part is, if he hopes that no one is crying, and no one actually is, then he's as bad as that whole thing where he knew Anna was leaving because of him. It's selfish to think that someone would be suffering just because they care about him.

Because who would care about a selfish little rich kid?

He's sure that at home, either everyone is in tears, or no one gives a shit. There is no in between. It's probably the latter. He hopes it's the latter. He would deserve it.

And then there's Marissa. Whenever he complains about anything, Marissa is usually his climax. Ryan used to just mutter her name whenever Seth yelled about anything, because sure enough, she'd always turn up. The girl pisses the hell out of him. She's his girlfriend's friend, his brother's girlfriend, his aunt in some perverted way, and he can't stand to hear her speak. She wouldn't be crying over him.

Although, she probably would be crying constantly, so people could guess that he'd be somewhere in the lineup of offenders. He hopes he is anyway.

She ruined his life, actually. It must all be Marissa's fault. She did that whole stint with Oliver; she probably planted all those ideas in Summer's head about being there for him; she's probably making his mother cry right at this very second.

It _is_ all Marissa. He knew there was someone easy to blame.

Or maybe it's Anna. Anna consumed his thoughts when he should've been talking Ryan out of getting back together with Marissa; Anna made Summer realize that she really liked the attention Seth gave her; Anna was the one that ricocheted all this shit onto them all.

It's easy to blame her too; even though it takes more efforts to think of reasons for her than it is to think of reasons for Marissa.

So he should probably just blame Marissa.

Or Summer.

Or Ryan.

Or his dad.

After all, the man did bring Ryan home; he did always root for Seth and Summer. He could blame his father too.

But he's seen this movie before. He knows that the spoiled rich kid realizes the error in his ways and comes home to kiss the girl and hug his parents. So he should probably get around to that at some point.

Newport Beach really is like a movie. All that Seth wants to know is how it ends.

All he knows is that the jokes aren't funny and this movie pretty much sucks. Probably made by some Spielberg wannabe who doesn't know a joke from a tear. Yet another asshole.

The problem was...this movie was a hell of a ride.

And he doesn't want it to end.

But if he gets cheesy and lovey, he's just going to miss them more. And screw them. He doesn't want to miss them. He doesn't want to care. He doesn't want them to care about him.

Because he'll always be an asshole.

And he'll always hurt them in some way.

And even if he blames them for everything that's happened in his life, for a while there, his life didn't suck so much.

So he'll keep telling himself how much he hates them all.

It's easier than actually having to figure out his feelings.

He hates Marissa.

He hates Theresa.

He hates Luke.

He hates Anna.

He hates his parents.

He hates Summer.

He probably hates Ryan the most.

But he's alone now. So he doesn't have to worry about those assholes screwing up his life anymore.

The only problem is that every morning, he wakes up with his face bathed in tears.

But this has to be easier than telling himself the truth.

Because movies are fake and so is Newport Beach.


End file.
